Lifestyle Tip: Dating After Divorce; Ask, Don’t Talk

Lifestyle Tip: Dating After Divorce; Ask, Don’t Talk

Tired of being alone? Feeling like life is stagnant? Divorce got you down? Get a lot of first dates but no repeat customers? Read on and you might discover why.

Hey, I’m an open kind of a gal and I don’t harbor any secrets so I don’t mind talking about well, just about anything with someone I am meeting for the first time. However, there is one sure-fire way to kill a first date and pretty much guarantee that you will not be seeing that person ever again and that is by talking about past relationships.

Everyone seems to know this so I am not, by any means, saying something new, however few people seem to be able to help themselves. I’ve heard it over and over again. ‘He/She wouldn’t stop talking about the ex and the kids, the money, the house, oh my God. I wanted to hang myself.’

Sometimes the conversation takes a turn in the past love direction because of talks about children or a current living situation but that’s when the conversation should immediately be redirected. Because going down the verbal path of the dreaded “Ex” is like saying, “I never want to see this person sitting across from me ever again.” What happens when one person gets on a roll talking about their broken heart is that the date becomes a therapy session. That person begins talking and talking (and talking) about their marriage, what went wrong, why they hate their ex, how they’ve been wronged and then sometimes even foul language follows. The anger, frustration and years of pent up hostility spew and gush like a broken dam that started with just a crack and within minutes becomes a raging river decimating everything in its path, including your date.

The one who did most of the talking feels relieved and pretty great, so that person thinks the date went well and wants to get together again. The person on the receiving end just gave some free therapy, so why not do it again? Why not?!?!  There is a reason people get paid for therapeutic work and that’s because it is work. No one wants to voluntarily sit there for hours being talked at. I don’t care how good the short ribs and margaritas are.

A first date should be about getting to know the other person. It is healthy to have an innocent curiosity about you when you arrive. Being inquisitive without being interrogative is the best approach. Ask a question then shut up and listen. Don’t comment too much. Ask more questions. Show a genuine interest in wanting to get to know the other person. If the person asks you something like, “So, why did you get a divorce?” I have one word of advice. Avoidance. Say, “Let’s save that for another time. I want to know more about you.”

If you are ready for a new relationship you will be in a healthy place about your past. If you have anger or harbor feelings of persecution then you are not ready, so take down your online profile pronto and go speak to a professional. Take that money you would have spent on your date's martinis and have a sit-down with a recommended therapist. Think only crazy people go to therapy? Think again. Ask your friends. I’m sure at least one of them can give you a good recommendation.

In order for a new relationship to be successful, you should have done the internal work needed to discover what went wrong in your previous relationship(s). You should enter something new with preparedness. You should possess the tools and knowledge which would give you the ability to avoid those mistakes you have made. So, someone’s past should be just that and it doesn’t need to be discussed….at least not until date 10.

In an effort to help men and women who are dating after divorce, I am going to make a list of words and topics that I consider taboo on a first date. These are words that should not be spoken and if you catch yourself or your date uttering any of these words or topics, redirect the path of conversation immediately, if not sooner:

Ex

Wife

Husband

Court

Custody

Maintenance (unless your own a condo or you are speaking of your grooming habits)

Alimony (they call this maintenance now so you’d be dating yourself)

Support (unless you are a supportive individual and you are speaking of the future)

Any foul language

God

Religion

Politics

Money

Work

Here are things that should be discussed:

Food

Hobbies

Interests

Goals

Dreams

Plans for the future

Vacations

Movies

Inspirations and Aspirations

Work

Now, I put work in both categories and I’ll tell you why. If you are an accountant, your date probably won’t want to hear the gory details about what you do. I have much respect for accountants because numbers elude me but adding and subtracting numbers is not all that interesting a topic of conversation so stick to more fun stuff.  If you are J Lo’s accountant, please don’t mention that. Name-dropping on a first date is pretty tacky. Alternatively, if you are a helicopter pilot and work on missions rescuing polar bears or if you parachute out of planes bringing medicine and supplies to the people of the rainforest who are now homeless due to deforestation, then please, let’s talk about work. If your work is also your passion and you have a lot to say about that with interesting stories, yes, your date will be fascinated by you.

But as I previously stated, your date will go much more smoothly if you “Ask, Don’t Talk.” If you truly enjoy the company of the person you are with and they feel that you are interested in them, you just may have a lifetime to get to know them and they you. 

Wishing much success to you all and happy dating.