So, I sit here on my laptop on a cool April evening out on my little back patio, my dogs softly snorting in the background. I just got back from a business trip. Since I own my own business and for now it's just me running the show, I went on this jaunt alone. I spent four days alone. Alone is a word that keeps echoing in my head. For how long will I be by myself? While in my hotel room, alone, I watched an old episode of Sex and The City during which Charlotte uttered that great quote, "I've been dating since I'm 14. I'm exhausted. Where is he?" I giggled but then I came to a realization. I, too, have been dating since I'm 14. I, too, am exhausted and I often ponder the whereabouts of Prince Charming. Sigh...Oh, Charlotte. I don't know if I should laugh or cry.
Like I said, my dating life began at the tender age of 14 and from then until the age of 37, I was not without a boyfriend for more than a week or two. Crazy? Perhaps. I have no problems meeting men. The problem was me. I
needed to be with someone because without someone in my life telling me how great I was, I felt worthless. Thank goodness I saw the light and realized that there is no worth greater than self-worth.You have to feel good about yourself and not rely on others to give that to you. Emotional freedom. How profound.
Spending these past few days completely alone; driving to the airport, flying, staying in my hotel room, eating by myself at the bar at the Greensboro Airport Holiday Inn (I recommend the ribeye, by the way), etc., really gave me time to think, which sometimes, for me, can be dangerous. This time? Not dangerous as much as ponderous. I was thinking about the fact that I am a late bloomer, thinking of how far I have come in the past year in terms of my business and financial goals, how much of a better mom I have become and then I started thinking about the future, hoping that it will get even better than it's been because while everything seems to be going my way there are some things missing and I am trying to visualize (visualization totally works!) a future for myself and my daughter that is as beautiful as possible in every way.
The future...something I have always had a hard time with. I don't plan so this visualization stuff does not come easily for me. Maybe I don't make plans because my father passed away when I was 4 and my life was always seeming to be a little chaotic and unpredictable? I don't know. I can always seem to navigate little twists and turns, bumps in the road and find (or create) a new path without much todo and without looking back. I actually crave change and look forward to things turning out completely differently than expected or maybe I don't even expect anything at all and am constantly surprised. Don't get me wrong. Even though I can be easy-going and go-with-the-flow, I have the ability to take the bull by the horns and make things happen, though I do need a fire lit under my big ole butt.
Losing my house and most of my belongings really did light that fire and looking into my daughter's eyes and seeing how precious and impressionable she is fanned that flame. I knew I needed to do something for her, to provide for her, to show her how powerful a woman can be. I need to be a good role model for her; have to be. Starting my own business was the best thing I have ever done. I have such a feeling of accomplishment. At the end of the day, I don't have a ton of money but I do have a ton of pride. My daughter said when she grows up she wants to be just like me and that is the highest compliment I have ever received.
I have an amazing child. She won an award at school for being a good person. I love her school but especially for things like that. Her principal told me she is his favorite student. Keep that on the down-low, huh? She is always kind, helpful and open to others and always has a smile on her face is what her teachers say. I also have an amazing job. I meet so many wonderful people and I get to help them with their design dilemmas (the "fixer" in me thrives on that) while using my creativity. Though I miss singing for my supper, my current job provides me with the opportunity to be home for my daughter which is something that is very important to me. I feel happy with everything in my life except that I want (see? I said "want" not need) a great love and that part; well, that's not coming so easily.
I have dabbled in online dating but with no success. What is the statistic? 60% of men on online dating sites are married? I don't know. I just heard something like that. I met a few of those, for sure. I also met some really great men but they were just not right for me. I am picky. But am I so picky that I will end up alone?
This is a Carrie Bradshaw moment, for sure.
