Fit For a King?

Here it is in the middle of the night. After my way-too-late cup of coffee, I ponder life, love and contentment.

I use the word "contentment" in lieu of happiness because happiness is fleeting. An underlying sense of peace mixed with moments of excitement in my opinion is the perfect recipe for happiness. Without that foundation of peace you are just on a bumpy roller coaster at a bad carnival right after polishing off a corn dog and some Dippin' Dots.

My child is so happy right now. My work is amazing. Both of those aspects of my life are filled with peace and moments of excitement as am I. The one thing I'm missing is someone with whom to share it all.

The difficult part is to envision what will happen in the future. I have had crystal clear visions of exactly what I want which I have meditated on and those visions have magically appeared and became reality, but then...there's always the fizzle. Like an apparition; whether it's been my dream job, my dream man, my dream anything, it all comes to me right after I wish for it and then POOF! It's gone.

We create our own destinies, right? I am pretty good at seeing things in my brain and making them happen but no matter how hard I try to do that I seem to encounter obstacles at every turn. It's like the Universe has other plans for me. What's that movie about the people who cheat death but then all die anyway? I don't know. I've heard about this elusive thing called a "movie." I don't have time for frivolous stuff like that these days.

When speaking of my dating woes: not meeting the right quality of people, not liking most, finding other workaholics with no free time, people with more baggage than I could possibly strap onto my strong back, etc., my friend told me tonight that no one is good enough for me. If that's the case, am I to settle or to be alone? Because I don't seen another choice here. I'm very content and I am an only child so being alone is not an issue but alone forever? That's a long time. When I asked my best friend who might be good enough for me, because someone has to be, (right?) she responded, "A king."

A king. Right. Good. Fine.

So, I am no longer expecting Prince Charming to ride up on his stealthy steed but his father. That's why he's taking so long. He's a little older and his gait is slower. Hopefully this king still has most of his teeth in tact but really, teeth are pretty unimportant now. Of course, this is what happens when you turn 40.

My Dearest Lola

To My Dearest Daughter,

First off, words cannot express how much I adore you and your smart, funny, confident personality. Please don’t ever lose that and don’t let anyone try and take that away from you.

You are special, different and uniquely you. People will like you just the way you are or they can take a hike. Don’t try to change for anyone but do constantly learn, grow and strive to be the best person you can be.

Each day is a new day to be your best.  If you ever finding yourself dreading Mondays, ask yourself why and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! I love Mondays. Mondays signify a rebirth, a wealth of new opportunities; a time each week when I can try to do better, be better and get smarter.

Embrace change. Change is the only constant in our lives. Be okay with moving.

As your mom, I feel the need to say, “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry I have to work so hard. I’m sorry I have to work such long hours. You see, no matter how well I do, I still don’t make enough. I am working on that, My Love. And each day I find better and better opportunities to be able to have enough for us without sacrificing too much time. I do want a life outside of work and I want more time with you.

I wish your life to be much easier and much less bumpy than mine. I wish for you all the things I used to wish for like everlasting love, a white picket fence and a wonderful life filled with learning, travel and laughter. I’ve had that many times and I do cherish each precious memory.  In the recent past, we’ve experienced less of that stuff and more of the stressful stuff and for that, I am also deeply sorry. Things are getting better each day and soon you and I will be on a wonderful vacation together.

Always remember: Happiness is an unattainable goal. Perfection doesn’t exist. Peace of mind, confidence, knowing you’re a good person; a strong, smart person who can solve any problem life may throw you…that is an attainable goal. That is something you can do. I hope I am a good example for you in that regard. Life isn’t always happy but it’s about creating more moments of excitement than not and it’s also about knowing how to deal with yucky stuff when it comes up.

Dance the tango while you’re doing dishes, sing your heart out while you’re stuck in traffic, practice your best tap dancing moves while on line at CVS.

Create your own excitement. Be yourself. Express yourself. Love yourself as much as I love you.

Love,

Mama