Ode To My Father

I wrote this poem below today in about 5 minutes. It wasn't planned. It just happened.

A little backstory: My father died of a drug overdose when I was four years-old. It was a tragic accident, some said. Some people just couldn't handle their drugs, others mumbled.

When I was sixteen, my father's mother called me to tell me she was dying. She had some things of my father's that she had wanted me to have before she passed. My grandmother handed me an orange leather suitcase and told me to go through it when I got home.

Inside were my dad's high school yearbook, his bronzed baby shoes, a few Polaroid photographs, some of my stuffed animals from when I was a baby and a sealed envelope with my name on it.

The letter was a note written to me by my father explaining that he wasn't a good dad, couldn't be a proper role model and I would be happier without him. He described his death as planned. It was a suicide. Since no one was with him at the time of his death, no one had known exactly what had happened to him. But there in my tiny dormered bedroom in the two bedroom Cape Cod in which I grew up; on that sunny afternoon when I was a sophmore in high school, I found out the truth.


Ode To My Father

You were born out of love
But that love quickly waned
A tumultuous childhood stole your smile
You grew up, you fell in love
And soon a child had his child

You played the part, you did your job
You tried to make it work
‘Two children raising a child?’
I say now, with a smirk

Your anger, regret and angst quickly made you sick
Your disease soon overtook you
And there was no turning back

There was no high that was high enough
That could help you free your mind
From the demons of your past
Looming close behind

You tried to be good, you tried to be there
But you just couldn’t do it
You said I’d be better without you
And you made quick work of it

A father should be there in mind, body and spirit
You took your life for “my sake” instead
Though I didn’t want to hear it

Leaving is a selfish act though you claim it selfless
For there is a hole in my heart that cannot be filled
That feeling on occasion is relentless

I must forgive to get me through
Around my mind it’s hard to bend
Why you thought I didn’t need you
I can never comprehend

We all have struggles we’re not unique
But it’s in how we deal with them
That’s why I choose to stay, face and fight with the best of them

My daughter is now 7 with smiles upon her face
Because her father chose to heal instead and occupy her space

The most powerful thing, Dad, is that history is not repeating in this very important case